Journeying Through Grief: Coping with the Pain of Losing a Child

Journeying through grief is something a lot of people don't talk about. It’s honestly not something I really enjoy sharing. It opens up so many horrible and very painful memories. It's been almost five years since we lost our 7-year-old daughter Isabella in a tragic car accident. But let me tell you that recovery is possible, and hopefully, through sharing my story, you can heal as well. In this article, I’ll bear my soul to you and share my personal experience journeying through grief after losing a child.

What Does Grief Look Like?

I haven't spoken much about grief or losing my child and what it does behind closed doors and away from social media. But one thing’s for sure - grief is a literal heartache.

According to Very Well Mind, "Grief can cause a variety of effects on the body including increased inflammation, joint pain, headaches, and digestive problems. It can also lower your immunity, making you more susceptible to illness. Grief also can contribute to cardiovascular problems, difficulty sleeping, and unhealthy coping mechanisms."

What Grief Did to Me

I have experienced all of those grief effects, but in addition to those, I’ve found that grief takes away all the drive to live life to the fullest. It numbs the ability to experience joy and happiness. I personally experienced suicidal thoughts a few times. I would drink alcohol almost every night. Not excessively, but almost every day. I ate and did not care about what it was doing to my body. Did not care. And I was a fitness coach prior to losing Isabella. 

I do not want to pull anyone's energy down I hope to encourage someone who is in the bottomless pit of sadness. 

How I Overcame Grief

What did I do to overcome the years of grief?

Exercised My Faith

I went to church on Sundays and watched sermons in the evenings, sometimes with a beer or glass of wine. Ok, might have been cake (or more likely a bag of Doritos and ice cream with a beer) watching Pastor J.D. Farag in Hawaii.

Jesus still loves me. 

J.D. & Jack might not. 

Pastor Jack Hibbs at Calvery Chapel in Chino Hills, CA - you guys encouraged us on our darkest days. We love you!

Asked For Help

I laid in bed and did not do a damn thing. During the first weeks, I slept, took showers, and cuddled with my boys. I did not cook for a few years. Ask my friend Linelle; she is an amazing cook and meal prepped our family meals for months. I love her.  

I'm thankful for all those who lifted us up, no matter how big or how small. You all are amazing! We love you. 

Jackson and Maximus even remember how fabulous Linelle's meals were. She was a gift at a time when I could not offer that to my family. I barely could clean our home the first year. 

Leaned on My Husband

When I had Joshua, joy started to seep back in. Then we discovered we were pregnant with my SUPER STRENGTH child, Uriah. 

Lord, help us.

Even though, looking back, I see there was still a lot of grief. I did not handle any of the finances and responsibilities. Jordan did that. 

That put a damper on my shopping. He took the liberty of purchasing my pregnancy pillow. With the thickness of that pillow, we could have saved money and used a folded sheet or napkin.

Ladies, I learned there is a warrior underneath your man. Tell them they’re amazing whenever you can, in your own way. Truly, they are built incredibly. 

Don’t wait for a tragedy to see their uniqueness and strength.

Ladies, you might be handling the heavy lifting for your family. Just as I had done prior to the grief. Managing the finances, cooking, cleaning, sign-ups, doctor appointments, more appointments, homework, chauffeur, and I know the list goes on...and ....on... but after the accident, I was emotionally and physically unable to do anything during that time other than loving on the boys. 

God sees what you’re doing. You are incredible! You are a treasure. 

What I learned was that men are created in such an amazing way, and I would never have expected what a man could do until it happened. I know that there may be some men who have not matured or are struggling with their own traumas. 

But are we perfect, ladies? 

Jordan stepped up, and not only did he fulfill those responsibilities, but he owned them! I mean, he owned them. Men are built for battle, and I saw him destroy anything that came his way (in a good way). And he did it all while gently and compassionately caring for me and the boys.

He was also grieving, and yet he smoked me in, living out life right after. And I don’t care. After making the boys lunches, taking them to school, paying bills, and all the other tasks by noon, and picking up Maximus from school. I was probably still in bed or having a very LONG shower. I was a MESS!

I did not care.

I was grieving. 

I needed it to heal, and I owned the healing part.

Jordan had his grief process, and it looked different than mine. That is his story to share. But I do know that he was created for battle and refined where I was wrecked. And I was WRECKED.

Engaged in Self Care

Well, for not caring, I gained 65 pounds of grief weight. Doritos, ice cream, beer, and wine were my comfort (I don’t recommend indulging in these if you can help it).

But I did not care.

I was reading a grief blog on WebMD, and the author wrote that one side effect of grief is weight loss. Well, that was not my side effect, unfortunately. Mine was the complete opposite.

That author needs to expand her research as I did with my pants size. My pants would be more than enough for evidence-based research.

I started self-care this past January by working out four days a week at 5:30 a.m. every morning. I have been working on it for almost four months. I’m not in a rush. I am enjoying actually wanting to get out of bed in the morning to care for myself. But it took four months to care. I mean, I really care. I am not trying to lose weight in large increments; I am just trying to get out of bed and get time for myself and my body. 

To care for myself.

To actually care. 

Journeying Through Grief is Still Hard, But I’m Still Living

To sum it up, life is hard. Forgive me, church friends, but life is a shit show, and I’m living in it. 

You might have seen in my story today the small part of the quote by Charles Stanley.

 “The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than the past, education, money, circumstances, failures, success, and what others think, say, or do. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.”

I completely agree. But here’s my spin on it.

Life can be shit. But if you have good foundations of faith in Jesus and what He did for us sinners and follow His instruction, 90% of life will be SOOOO good.

Read “Follow His instructions” one more time. It’s important.

My time of grieving was almost five years. I still lived life. I look back and see many moments of joy during those five years. He provided in abundance. He gave me two more babies after Jordan said he was sure we were done. I can go on and on about the BIG things and small details. 

But there will always be a broken heart. I will always have a heaviness upon my soul until I reach heaven. I will have rare moments that hit me like a TON of bricks and cry ugly tears thinking about how much I miss our Isabella Faith.

This world is, after all, not free from pain or tears. But we do have the option of faith in a God who sent His one and only Son to suffer, who died a painful death for the promise of heaven, and so much more because He loves us that much!

Starting to Pick Up the Pieces

Now, while I'm on this earth, it’s time to come back to the battlefield of life. I finally feel like I have the strength to move mountains again.

Shed the Weight

My first mountain will be the literal weight of grief that has no business being attached to my body, like a tenant who's moved in without permission. It's got to go. 

Be a Bomb Mompreneur

I can say again I am owning Mom and Entrepreneur's life. But it took a LOT of healing and recovery.

Seek God At All Times

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31.)

My prayer warrior friends, if I have any left after swearing...

I ask for your prayers for this battle and the direction God has for me in this next season.

I pray God gives me grace and strength to avoid the finer delicacies and Doritos. ;) Or at least the energy and physical strength to run them off. 

I hope this offers many of you who might be in battle the opportunity to lean into God's word and worship Him like never before. I am praying for you.  

Ps. I am now back to head of shopping.

So, there you have it - as you can see, journeying through grief after losing a child is a convoluted process. Not a straight line. But if I could find my way out of the pits and begin to enjoy life, I wholeheartedly believe you can, too. There’s NOTHING too hard for God. I wish you the best with whatever struggle you’re wrestling with, and I pray for your strength as well.